“Life without a Father”

The title itself is horrible to even think about. ’Father’- this 6- word letter has a lot of emotions vested in it. Losing a father is something tremendous which happens to the child, no matter what the age is, losing a father breaks you in pieces” It is an indescribable experience, it permanently alters children of any age. Nothing is the same, you start a new life without your well- wisher, it is a whole transformative event for a child. Since we all know that death is inevitable, no one can stop that, but this doesn’t minimize the grief, the pain that a child experiences after losing a parent. The two main persons of our life to whom we call -“ mumma and papa” even thinking about a life without them gives goosebumps. For me, it is something from which I will never move on, I mean, how could I move on? He was the person who made me, who gave me a life, how can I forget him? Daddies & daughters have a very precious bond that nobody can ever replace. I lost him at the age of 20, where he was supposed to guide me, to cheer me up,  to enjoy my earnings, but everything went upside down. That night has taught me everything, for which I wasn’t ready at all. I didn’t even know that I could write down my feelings,  but since I lost him, writing my feelings on a piece of paper has become my go – to best friend. The realisation that I keep getting is that I will not be able to see him or hear his voice for the rest of my life, I will not ever see him or talk to him again” which always breaks me whenever I think of this, this is something dreadful. We are never really ready to lose a loved one no matter how ill they are. They had made our heart, they made us and now there is a hole where they once were and nothing can fill it in or cover it. I am the daughter who lost her father too soon, too much to process. Writing my feelings is my way of missing him, other than I can do nothing,  nobody can ease my pain or can understand through which I’m going, this is something so excruciating, that I am unable to even write. 

Father- the most powerful word connected with millions of sentiments. Nobody can ever replace those laughs, smiles, those secrets between a father and a daughter, it’s something so precious that I wish I could make a montage from my head to see those moments again and cherish them once again. I wish I could relive those moments, to see him once again, to laugh with him, to do every possible thing that I’ve missed. The man behind me is no more, and it breaks me to pieces, and I am left with zero energy to even pick those pieces to make it again. It shatters me whenever I think of those last moments of him taking his last breath beside me. I wish I could take all of his pain….I wish…..

-SUKHMANI PANESAR