We all have that kind of behaviour where we put others first than ourselves. Our priority changes with people who are more important to us. But don’t you think keeping oneself to backseat every time will not help in a long run process. We have to prioritise thing for our own self too. Sometimes the most empowering decision is also the most painful decision.
Pleasing people attitude is be rooted in us since childhood. We might have been raised to be a good girl or boy, praised for being “mummy’s little helper”, or we might not have been given enough attention, and so sought it by pleasing others, even at the expense of ourselves.
Sometimes we just get so used to it that we are not answerable to our own-self what we want? Let us thing why we can’t say a simple word ‘no’ is it so hard to express it is a word with only two alphabets easy and too simple to understand but then to we just can’t speak it as we have a fear of rejection, we have a feeling that they will be disappointed by us, angry, hurt their feeling, unkind to them or rude.
We have been to many coffee dates with a person which we are not that interested in but, we just said yes as we can’t say no keeping our time, money, feelings on stake.
Learning how to cure the ‘people pleasing’ urge is a day to day process. But it is important to do it, to put boundaries and set limits, so you don’t end up living in other’s terms, but in yours.
How to set boundaries step by step
- Realize the importance of boundaries
The first step of this journey is to realize how having no-boundaries affects our daily life and personality. Pleasing people all the time, putting them before our health and our life is the main reason of our exhaustion, stress and lack of self-esteem.
- Be prepared
You will meet people who will try to break your boundaries but you have to mentally, physically prepared for such situation. You will have to be strong and confident on your values.
- No guilt or fear
We mostly forget that the first person’s feeling we have to take care for is our own self and that the fear of losing others will make us lose ourselves.
- No justification
Justifying their negative attitude towards you, will keep you ‘under their spill’. Try to be rational about this. If a friend keeps putting you down, keep blaming you for their own failures, is he/she really a friend? We should draw the line between being a good friend, and letting toxic people run your life.
- Change your behaviour
You cannot change others, but you can change your behaviour towards them to step on all your values, they continue to do so. But when you take charge and stop them from doing it, there’s not much choices for them.
- Make your statement and a request
After you have come to the conclusion, make sure to calmly talk to the person that made you feel uncomfortable. Take this step when you are calm enough to be rational, not when you are filled with anger and pain.
- State the consequences
If the other person is unable to meet your request the next step is to take care of your-self. You now let the other person know how you are going to deal with the situation. It’s important to plan how you are going to behave before you make your boundary request. That’s means that if they don’t accept your terms, you have thought of some consequences on their relationship with you.
- Mean it
If there is no persistence then the boundary doesn’t even exist. Remind yourself of the importance of your physical, mental and emotional health and how putting these boundaries is helping you protect them.
Choosing yourself doesn’t always feel good yet you must learn to find the wisdom that lies within the ache. The ache is where you meet your power.